the shizz

I'm at a bar, drinking Bud light (in texture), watching the cavaliers NBL basketball team beat Charlotte. I'm so America, I make myself sick.

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Combining my 2 favourite things

Becks and the celebration of beer. This is a holiday release- the Becks Oktoberfest brew. There are so many beers here, another tick in the box.

Oh, and I survived driving on the right. More about that later.


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I saw the Black Eyed Peas

I am pretty sure it is them in the picture, Fergie and will-i-am settling down to a hearty dinner.

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Want more fat in a twix?

Add peanut butter



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Stay off the sidewalk

Oh, and I have hired a car for the weekend so ill be opting for the extra insurance.


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Black and gold

So apparently the American way is not to drink on friday afternoon. I dragged a yank kicking and screaming. This is a stout and lager. I'm so worldly.

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CONGRATULATIONS SKYE

Well done Skye on passing her final CA subject. A big achievement worth celebrating.

I have decided to celebrate by dressing up as Darth Vader and asking random people for candy. Apparently it is the thing to do this weekend.

Twitter style

Hi all - just came back from dinner with a bunch of aliens (that is what we are referred to by the US Gov). I will tell you more about it tomorrow.

Above is the Indians' baseball stadium. It is reasonably new and very impressive. It is one of the few to be designed like an old fashion baseball stadium. They are more proud of the stadium than the team apparently.

Man bags are in

I have found my people.


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Everything is bigger in the US

So we left off after my first American coffee and bagel. Let’s fast forward through the work day. Not because it was not good (the people were great and I really enjoyed it), but there are more everyday American experiences to talk about.

I will say, there are some photos that I need to take of the office block from the outside and inside. Apparently we are in the oldest building in Cleveland and it is spectacular. It has more history than Kym and I.

So I worked through the morning, but needed to get to the shops to get supplies. Also, I was getting tired after all of the travel so did not want to leave it too late. Luckily, I am working for someone who is very understanding and I was able to slip out at 2.

I went home and changed. The sun was out and it was 60 degrees (15C for the Australians out there). It was great weather for shopping. I decided to walk the streets of downtown for a cab (from what I can tell there is no uptown so downtown is all of the city centre). A couple of blocks down and to the left, I found an idle cab. I would love to be able tell you it was a yellow cab with black and white chequered stripes, but alas, it was a minivan. Not sexy, but what I needed at the time.

The cabbie was “interesting”. After being the second person today to ask me if I was British (are my teeth that bad?), he went on to tell me about his book he was writing about the subconscious and also that he dreamt he was going to open a fine arts museum, so that was his next life move. Good luck to him I say – but if he could keep the cab for the next 7 weeks that would be great as I have not need another one so far since being here.

I was off to Steelyard Commons, the place I was recommended to get all my stuff. It was only $12 bucks by cab (plus tip of course). In the cab, I asked to be taken there and also enquired if it was a good place to go for me to stock up. He said it was a standard strip mall. So, I found out a strip mall does not involve nudity or pole dancing, but a line of shops in a row, or strip. Now, I suggest to you all, that if you go to a strip mall, be strategic in your shopping decisions. If you do no plan it properly, you will end up walking the strip 4 times, at 400m each time, a k and a half. It is all a learning experience.

So I went into the Verison store to get a US sim card so I could use my precious google on the go. They were unable to provide a prepaid option that would run a blackberry. Although the sales person could not help me, she jumped on the net and found a provider who could which was so nice of her. She even told me how to get to the closest store. I was able to get sim and I was whole again (I used google maps today, more about that tomorrow).

From there, the call of Costco was too much. It was beckoning me from across the car park, and was bigger than the whole rest of the shopping centre. Costco is an American Campbells, Big W and Woolworths combined, but to me at the time, it was a warehouse of all products that were ever made, ever. It was perfect for me as I was tired and needed quite a few things which I was not expecting to get in one place, until I experienced the glory of Costco. Kudos to you Costco, kudos.

I walked out with a new toothbrush (sorry Caz, it was good for the plane but I needed more grunt for day to day), clippers for the beard (although length would be good in this weather), Tupperware, and groceries (food and general stuff like soap etc). It took me a while again due to lack of strategic shopping planning but mostly, I was lost in a store which is bigger than the whole of Pacific Fair.

So this is where the US gets big. Apparently, the idea in this place is you buy for the whole year. Everything was giant size. The smallest glad wrap I could get was 90 metres. I expect to use 10 meters while I am here, I will use the rest to make a giant weather balloon to set off a huge international hoax.

Then there was the cheese, oh the cheese. I was too in awe to get a photo but let’s just say I got puffed walking the length of the cheeses. There were cheese types which have not been invented yet in the cheese fridge. There were a group of monks praying to the cheese it is so revered in this country. I don’t disagree with this on principle, we all love a bit of cheese. Seeing it made me very disappointed in subway with only 3 cheese choices. They need to reach out to their heritage.

While I was there, I noted a few other peculiarities. You know when you buy bacon there is the long bit which is mostly fat, and there is the big, round bit that has all the meat. You will use the round but, and if you can be bothered, you will cut the fat off the long bit and use it as well. In Costco (and apparently this is the norm in the US), the only bacon they have is the long bit. I can only assume that is why Australia’s current account deficit is so low, we are collecting all of the left over fatty bacon strips we don’t use and sell it to the US. Good scam if you ask me. I am going to start my bottle return style bacon strip return when I get back and clean up.

This is of course if I ever come back. While I was there ambling from isle to isle, I found the BEER ISLE. I feel to my knees and forgave god for forsaking me after the shirts and Starbucks incidents. We have agreed we are square now. I was disappointed as with all of the stuff I had bought, I was not able to take any beer. Not beaten (I’m actually Beaton), when I got home, I walked over to the corner store and picked up half carton of Budweiser for $10. I may overstay my visa on this point alone.

So I picked up all of the essentials including fruit and veg, bread, salt, pepper etc. I was as strong as I have ever been and did not grab any American sweet streets, or so I thought. It turns out the bread is laced with high fructose corn syrup. This is the crack of sugar and basically stops your pancreas, and makes you WANT MORE. The bread will be interesting with vegemite – I assume it will be like spreading it on pop tarts. I cannot test this yet because If forget to get butter. I will be on the insulin in no time.

So I made my way through one of the 50 checkouts (I did not count them but there was 4 times as many as any Woolworths I have been to) and made my way out. I called my new taxi driver friend / spiritual advisor and made my way home. This trip was about his 3 ex-wives and more about his fine arts gallery. I think there is a chance he will have to get rid of the deadlocks before the grand opening.

So day one in the US was eventful with my first breakfast and coffee, meeting my new workmates and having an adventurous shopping experience. In the immortal words of Yaxx, the only way is up.

Peach out.

PS that is my apartment in the pic above. How cool does it look!!!

The little things (don't read anything into this ladies)

Although it is Tuesday night here, I have to tell you about my first day. So I set the alarm for 6.30am Monday, the morning after arriving. I will say, when it went off, it was one of the least enjoyable sounds I have ever heard (and I have been to a Kate Bush concert). Running through my head was "it cannot be time to get up, it is black outside". Logic did not prevail and it was indeed time to get ready for day 1.

At this point, I was not aware the apartment had heating. So I got up, had a shower and proof that god hates me, all my shirts were crushed in the travel, so I had to iron. Thanks for all the training Mum and where were you Damien to say “nah, looks fine”?

All I had to eat for breakfast was fish oil tablets and shampoo, not the heartiest of meals (and not deep fried which is one of the 5 food groups here, along with cheese, bacon, sugar and candy bars). So I was ready early and went for a walk around downtown Cleveland (downtown means city centre- we’re all learning together).

So, getting off the plane last night, I remembered thinking it was no way as cold as I was expecting so I walked out with a shock when I left the apartment block - it was indeed cold that morning. I picked up the pace to warm my ill equipped extremities.

I was searching for a coffee shop which served anything which was not filtered coffee and doughnuts. It was not easy as the first street resulted in a bakery with filtered coffee and doughnuts (and other baked goods). I crossed the street and did a U-turn. To my relief and disgust, I was happy to see a Starbucks. Starbucks are as good at making coffee as they are at brokering a peace deal between Israel and Palestine, but at least it was not filtered coffee. But, again, the higher power had his way and it was closed. They were at least smart enough to stay at home in this weather.

Feeling helpless, I moved on and turned another corner. In the distance, like the call of the sirens, I saw “Phoenix Coffee”, all bright and inviting. I was heartened with all the promise of this sign. So I walked in and went from freezing cold to uncomfortably hot (heating, I must look into that in the apartment).

So I made it to the front of the line, and ordered a takeaway cappuccino. The waitress looked at me like I had spoken Swahili. I repeated and she looked befuddled and started to write it down. She turned to the barista and said “I don’t know what he wants”. He astutely said, “He is after a coffee to go”. Such a small difference between understanding and utter confusion. I decided I needed to learn the language, giving up the notion we all spoke English.

I then ordered a bagel but needed to provide a written purchase order (approved of course) this time. I will say they all found the whole event most amusing (as did I to be honest). This was my second US$ transaction and I was excited (as strange as it sounds), although I was still too timid to use the coin (I was not that advanced).

While I was waiting, one of the café staff asked me if I was English, not the last time I would be asked this today.

So I got to sit down and enjoy my bagel (toasted raisin with butter for those who care). I just sat there, enjoying my first American bagel and coffee. I was pleased to find the coffee not bad (although for all of their excesses in food and drinks, there was not a whiff of chocolate powder to be found to top it off – go figure).

It was a great start to my first day and I am sure there are even better to come.

Sleep is for the weak

The last 36 hours have been a bit of a muddle for me. So much has happened that my jetlagged little brain cannot cope. I travelled for a looooong time, entered a new country, had to learn a new language (or so it seems - I will chat about that later), moved into a new place and started a new job. Phew - I need a holiday.

It was nearly not possible as my ride to the airport decided alarms were for the weak and opted on the honor system of waking up where she trusted herself sub-consciousness for the job. Unfortunately, she has a less than reliable sub-consciousness and there was a slight hiccup (I woke her up with a phone call at the time she was to be picking me up). We made it with time to spare in the end and thanks for the ride - much appreciated (really).

So, the plane ride was a monotony of working, reading, watching movies and walking around the plane. We left at 11am Qld time and flew east towards the evening. The plane was thrown into a slumber after lunch was served and everyone decided to go to bed. I have thought about this, and the more likely story is they were all in a conspiracy to mock me because I was unable to sleep. The other 200 passengers would close their eyes each time I looked at them. What was worse is their feigned sleep made me feel like wanting a beer made me an alcoholic so I was sober on landing.

I got to LA and I will say I was a little excited. I followed the herd through the tunnel to customs and waited dutifully with everyone else. We were lucky as there were a couple of planes which landed soon after us so the wait at customs for me was not bad. Overall, the experience between landing and getting out in the real world (great song) was not bad at all. I was geared up for long waits, delving questions and invasive body searches but got a quick process, a pleasant immigration officer and no inappropriate touching (no infringement there).

I moved through the arrivals door in the airport, through the people waiting for loved ones (Love Actually style), and handed in my bags to the American Airlines transfer desk. I then headed to terminal 2 as was required by my itinerary. Soon after walking the length of terminal 2 (and it is well endowed), I noted no American Airlines kiosk. In my sleep deprived stupor, on my itinerary I was reading the Chicago terminal reference, not LA. I turned around and did find the right terminal. The up side of this detour was I saw an LAPD patrol car, LAPD motor bike and fire hydrant. Not exciting to a local but I was impressed.

So it was through security and on to Chicago. This was a 4 hour flight on a smaller seat, next to a smellier person (I knew my luck could not last). I nearly missed this one as in my dazed and confused state, I had no concept of time (actual or relative time) and did not hear the call to this flight until it was “last call”. I was the final passenger to board, but did get there (double phew).

We arrived in Chicago and I had 3 hours to kill. This transfer was much easier than LA as there was no customs and the airport was much better with more shops and places to walk. I took the time to get some food, and spend some US$ for the first time. I was more excited about using US dollar than the possibility of running into Dr Mark Green, and just as nervous. What if I gave the wrong note, did not add the tax, fainted? Luckily, it was like any other transaction involving goods and a currency and no one died (triple phew).

From there, I had a pit stop at the little boys’ room which required me to read the instructions to the toilet it was so complicated- seriously (and the biggest toilet seat in the history of man, I kid you not). Whilst in there, I noticed a vending machine of a curious nature (curious vending machines are going to be a theme of this blog I think). The yanks have defiled a symbol of our beloved nation and sell Koala branded diapers. I am not sure of the relevance of Koala’s to this and I am getting K Rudd to raise it at the next meeting of the UN as a human rights violation. He does love a cause so let’s see where this goes. They can change it to rattlesnake diapers.

So I had a couple of hours to spare, and I plucked up the courage to sit at the bar at the Chicago Bar & Grill in the airport. I spent an hour watching Gridiron and drinking beer. With all of my adventure drinking at the bar, I ended up ordering Becks. I should have had Budweiser, but at the time, I was already overwrought with the adventure so needed some home comfort (not that I am from Germany but is my home beer of choice). I spent the rest of the time at the bar stressing tipping – how much and how to do it if I was paying by card. It was the most stressful beer I have ever had.

I then boarded American Eagle flight 2344 to Chicago. It was a little one and I got confused on boarding (I was at 27 hours without sleep at this point so give me a break). There was a bag rack on the walk to boarding that I thought was for hand luggage at the plane was too small. I had to make a quick decision so I put my bag on there and boarded (in my defense, the 2 people in front of me did it as well). So I took my seat and watched the rest of the plane get on with their hand luggage.

We took off and I started to think about the fact that the hand luggage I stowed in the port rack outside the plane had my passport, baggage receipt (for my officially checked in baggage), and pretty much everything that was important. You can understand, this increased the stress levels. Like a Shaolin monk, I moved past it and spend the 45min trip hooking into the latest Dan Brown adventure which matched the drama of my travels so far.

On the decent to Cleveland, the stewardess gave the standard speech about tray tables, electronic equipment, and also the red tickets we had for the oversized hand luggage we deposited on entry to the plane. So the fact that I had no red ticket cause me some concern.

It turned out this was all wasted worry as all of my bags showed up in quick succession on the baggage carousel and I was able to get out of their quickly (quadruple phew). I was picked up at the airport by a car service and whisked off to my new home. So I can hear you saying “thank goodness this is all over and he has made it to his hotel room”. Don’t think too soon.

I approached reception to the hotel and asked to check in. She handed me a sign in sheet and was confused when I asked for a key. At this point, it was clear she could not understand a word I was saying and she had no idea who I was or how to check someone into the apartment block (the sign in sheet she made me sing was the visitor sign in sheet). At this point, I was 30 hours without sleep and not really looking forward to sleeping the foyer. I grabbed my phone and called my US boss (in $4 a minute Telstra global roaming style). Before she could answer, the receptionist said “are you Ian Beaton?”. I could have both kissed her and slapped her at this point. Apparently this is not the kind of place where people “check in” and, to be honest, I was not even convinced she knew where she was.

I was just thankful that I had a warm bed for the night and was looking forward to settling into a horizontal position for a change.

I walked into my unit in my sleep deprived state and just felt wholly homesick. At ttwhat point, if someone offered me a free ticket home, I would have taken it. It was a combination of my exhaustion, confusion and the state of the apartment. Don’t get me wrong, 24 hours later looking at the apartment, I actually like it but it was clearly refurbished 15 years ago and I am used to my Southport Central glory. I slept it off and now really like it.

That night was one of my better sleeps – 8 hours of uninterrupted zzz. I went to bed watching episodes of Friends for some familiarity (ironic I know).

Tune in tomorrow for my first breakfast in Cleveland (yes Carla, the bagel makes an appearance) and more instances of Americans thinking I speak an undiscovered language.

A little somethin, somethin for Caroline

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I'm alive

Just another quick post to say I have arrived in Cleveland without any major dramas.

I am a little tired as I have not been able to sleep so have been up for 30 hours now. Here's hoping I can sleep tonight!!!

Update

An empty seat between me and the next passenger and no smelly, fat men within range. Good start.



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Behind the line

I have made it to the airport and through customs, to a utopia of duty free electronics and morning drinking. Obviously morning drinking is allowed past customs as you are in a no man zone where there is no concept of time as we know it. In this place, you don't consider a point in time, you think of it in reference to your departure time. So it is not 10.30am, it is 30 minutes until boarding. The 10.30 concept is irrelevant as that will not be the time of your destination. I think that is a logical justification for 10.30 stubby. Appears reasonable, no further justification performed.

I am boarding now, so my next update will have a subtle, but noticeable American accent.

Peace out


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And the journey begins (figuratively speaking)

I did promise a blog on my US adventures but have to confess, this opening post is from Australia (sorry if I have disappointed). I have been very productive today (when measured against my standards). I have:
• got the car serviced,
• had my dry cleaning done (so I smell good in Cleveland),
• Bought a US mains socket adaptor,
• Helped catch a rat,
• Updated my iPod music (I don’t want to be listening to bad tunes for the 19 hours of flying). I was lucky my sister has let me take her iPod to America,
• Finalised some work,
• Dropped my car and motorbike into safe hands (safer than mine),
• And I am sure there is more stuff to list but we are all getting bored with this topic.

A big thanks goes out to those who organised me in the lead up (Caz, Loren, Tori, Emma, Skye, and a special mention to Carla for the consultation on plane seating). If it was not for the brains trust, I would have ended up in the wrong country, had no money and been found curled up in a ball, rocking from side to side.

So tonight is the packing exercise. This should not be too hard because, although I am not much of a beach goer, my wardrobe matches the snowy Cleveland climate about as well as Tori sets a rat trap. This means some serious shopping when I get there. This will involve RUNNING between stores as my flimsy cotton clothing provides me little protection. I’m not sure what epitomises Ohio style, but I will be it soon enough. Let’s hope its loose fitting, as the combination of large US serving sizes and my lack of willpower is a bad combination for my waistline.

Well, it is time for me to make the most of my last night in my apartment and really start the packing process.

Boomshanka

PS I am turning off all major appliances in my unit. If anyone wants the leftover Indian takeaway or the half bag of baby rocket in my fridge, let me know. No need for it to go to waste in these troubling economic times.